Tuesday, October 9, 2007

What I Really Want to Tell You

There is so much I need to be writing right now. Kristen tagged me a while back for a book meme that has been percolating in my brain but has yet to make it on "paper". Now that my kids have been wearing the shoes for over a month it's probably time for my review on them. I owe Work It, Mom! a book review they asked me to do and now that I'm finished with the book I suppose I'd better get cracking. I have so much to say about the wonderful visit with my parents that just ended today. I've got stories and photos to share with you all, really I do. And I will.

But honestly? What I really want to tell you tonight is that I went off caffeine - cold turkey - two weeks ago. And it sucks.

You see, I never got around to telling you that my heart had begun an occasional arrhythmic beat for no apparent reason - naturally, I was concerned (okay, okay, I was fairly sure I was dying), so I went off of coffee immediately - anything that could cause more jitters was unwelcome. Happily, I discovered quickly at the doctor that there is nothing wrong with my ticker and all tests came back negative; rather, it was an issue with my prescribed asthma inhaler dose. The day I got it cleared up, the arrhythmia stopped. Just like that.

So I could have had coffee again the next day. But I didn't. Instead, I popped a headache pill each morning for a few days and drank some decaf, hoping to trick my addicted self into believing it was satisfied.

I told myself that with all the work outs I am doing, my energy would get the natural boost it needed and I'd be better off without the coffee. (I mean, I didn't drink a lot - certainly not too much by anyone's standards, but doesn't it seem better not to be on any type of stimulant?) Sure, it's true that after I work out at 5:45 in the morning I do have an energy boost. Until about 9 am, that is, when I've run the marathon that involves getting myself and the kids out of the house and dropping the carpool kids off after waging a long "Pokemon battle" with them in the car. Because then what I really need is actually caffeine.

So here's the outcome: I can live without the caffeine. But I am really, really tired; although I get an energy boost from exercise, the fact is it is also another damn thing in my already tiring day and it wears me out that much more. I've been working on letting things go so that I can go to bed early (which means 10 pm for me) - I've gotten behind on paperwork for my practice, haven't read enough of your blogs, haven't posted much of substance lately. All for the sake of sleep - which is a noble cause, and yet two weeks into this experiment, I am still seriously dragging.

I'm not proud of this fact, but it is becoming clear to me that the pace of this life I have chosen is not natural. I cannot maintain it with a basic regimen of 7 solid hours a night and regular exercise.

I haven't given in yet, but until these kids get older and a few critical changes take place, I just might need that coffee.


Niksmom said...

Oh I have sooo been in those shoes, Jordan! My husband is worse. I call him "instant human." Just add coffee. Hey, it could be worse. I mean, you're not slammin' down Mai-Tai's at 9:00 a.m. right? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, it will get easier! When I cut back, no didn't cut it out completely, I felt exhausted for the longest time. But then suddenly started feeling better.

Shan said...

I've been there too, and feel your pain. Last fall when Genevieve was a newborn and had colic I gave up caffeine (and dairy (ice cream!) and chocolate--oy vey) cold turkey and it cured the colic but was incredibly hard. When G.'s tummy got less sensitive at about 6 mos. old, I went back on caffeine and have slugged down great quantities ever since. I feel the same way you do---my life is SO TIRING that I don't feel like I can make it through the day without the boost. I have been cutting down just recently, however (1-2 weeks), because I'd been having bad insomnia and knew caffeine certainly wasn't helping it, though it probably wasn't the main cause. I keep thinking I should give caffeine up completely again, but don't have the guts to do it. Most days I feel like I am powering through on determination, nerve, and caffeine. Where would I be without the stimulant? I guess I also sort of think, like you say at the bottom, that when the babies are this young and demanding, I need the coffee, and there will be time in the future when perhaps I'll feel like life isn't quite so draining and I can then give it up (or cut down even further).

Of course, the fact that YOU actually are living in my future (meaning, with kids who are older than mine) and are struggling with this issue, makes me think that perhaps that thought is folly.

Pass the coffee?

Jordan said...

"Instant human"! ;-)

Cynthia, as I sit here with my decaf, nonfat what's-the-point pumpkin spice latte (the point is the pumpkin! and the spice! yum!!), your words are making me feel better. I will keep the faith and hold out a while longer.

Shan, good luck with the insomnia! I think it probably has more to do with all that we're juggling than the age of the kids. Motherhood would be just as exhausting with one older child as with two little ones if you did so much "extra" stuff.

Shan said...

Yep, you're probably right. But I'm back to say what I forgot the first time around:

P.S. I was just WONDERING about those shoes!!!

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

Oh I feel your pain. I've done the off-of-coffee thing several times and it is horrific. In fact, I just got through it again. I always comeback, though, b/c it really is one of my few guilty pleasures!

sj said...

We'll be sure to bring some of our favorite coffee over Thanksgiving. Thank GOD your crazy no coffee days are over.